my dad waited 13 hours dying alone on the floor and i never took a single photo with him

When I was two, my mom cheated and my parents got divorced. I ended up going to my dad's side. But my dad had to work, and I was so little, so there was no one to take care of me if it was just the two of us. So my grandparents raised me. Dad got a small place in another city and lived alone, came down to see me every single weekend. And on my elementary school graduation day, he was supposed to show up with flowers and take me home with him. That was the plan. We were going to finally live together starting that day.

One week before graduation, he got off work, walked into his apartment, and collapsed in the entryway from a cerebral hemorrhage. Vomiting. Seizing. Completely alone. No one to help him. He survived like that for 13 hours, half-dead on the floor, until my uncle found him. That's when we got the call.

Turns out, dad had tried to text my uncle for help. The text was so full of typos you could barely tell what it said. He had been lying there, alone, trying to type with whatever he had left, begging someone to come save him.

I went to the ER and he was just. lying there. Tubes everywhere. Unconscious. I cried so hard I couldn't breathe. The thought of him suffering alone for those 13 hours, not knowing if anyone would ever come. I was going insane. And on top of that, there were no beds in the ICU so he was just stuck in the ER like that, and I was so angry. The dad I was on the phone with just yesterday. Gone like that, in an instant. I was a mess.

The hemorrhage was in a spot they couldn't operate on. So they put a tube in his throat. Half his body paralyzed. Couldn't speak. But his mind was completely intact. He held on like that for five years. Five years.

Even while he was sick, on my birthday he would ask my grandfather for 10,000 won (about $7) just to press it into my hands and nod at me. That was his birthday gift to me.

We were cousins' distance neighbors (my cousins lived nearby, which meant my dad's illness at home was visible to people who would talk), so I was ashamed that my dad was sick at home. I never once brought a friend over. Not one time. I regret that so much it's unbearable.

He never got to see me get married. I'm so sorry, dad. I'm so sorry I couldn't do better.

His wallet. His phone. Both full of photos of me. My gallery doesn't have a single picture of us together. Not one. I wonder if I even deserve to be called his daughter. The guilt never goes away, doesn't matter how much time passes.

I'm really struggling. I miss him so bad it makes me crazy. I'm not even sure I could face him if I could, I'm that ashamed. Please don't hate me too much for never once telling you I loved you. I love you, dad. I genuinely, truly miss you.