I aborted two kids. Then a shaman told me they're still with me.

I wasn't going to post this but I need to get it out. Things have stabilized a little now but this is still ongoing.

I've had two abortions. As in, I caused two.

First one was when I was 17. Failed contraception, the whole thing. Back then my reaction was honestly just... "ugh, what a hassle." I know. I know.

The second time I was 23. Had been dating this girl for about two years, genuinely thought I was going to marry her. So we weren't using protection because I figured, hey, if she gets pregnant we'll just get married. She wasn't saying no either. So of course she got pregnant, and I saw it as my chance to propose.

She said no. Said her parents had arranged a match for her, not quite a full arranged marriage but close enough. She wanted to break up.

But the baby. I actually begged her to keep it. Said I'd raise it alone if I had to. But then the OTHER guy's parents showed up too and basically said a bride can't come to a new marriage carrying another man's child. So. Abortion.

When I was 17 I didn't even cry. This time I couldn't stop.

That was six years ago and the regret just... crept up on me slowly.

After that my body started falling apart. Shoulders felt heavy all the time. Lost my appetite completely. Kept waking up from nightmares I couldn't remember. Went to doctors and every single one said "unknown cause." I told myself it was psychological, that I'd get over it. I didn't. It got worse. I ended up in psychiatric treatment and THAT didn't work either, so I quit my job and moved back in with my parents to recover.

Still didn't get better. I went from 68kg down to 52kg in TWO MONTHS. Doctors still had nothing.

Then one day I went to an ancestral memorial ceremony with my family. All my relatives saw me and freaked out at how bad I looked. As people were leaving, one of my aunts pulled me aside.

"Your mom told me about you. I know a really good mudang¹. Want me to introduce you?"

I had no idea what to think. But at that point I would try anything.

The shaman looked at me and said it immediately.

"There are baby spirits attached to you."

I froze.

And then she said two. EXACTLY two. She said the number without hesitating.

I had never told this woman anything. Not my relatives, not her, nobody knew about any of this.

I basically grabbed onto her and begged her to perform a cleansing ritual. She said she would, but then she told me something I wasn't expecting.

"The ritual will offer comfort to the spirits. But that's all it does. The reason your body is failing isn't the spirits. It's saengnyeong.² The baby spirits are attached to you but they don't mean you harm. What's destroying your body is YOUR regret overlapping with someone else's regret. And whoever that other person is, they're also getting sick."

I had the ritual done. Sat there half-crying while she performed it. She looked at me and said "that crying is what's tearing you apart."

The other person who regrets it. Had to be one of the two women. And honestly... it felt more like the 23-year-old ex. More recent, and she was the one who got pushed into it even harder.

So I reached out to her. We met up after months and she looked genuinely shocked at how I looked. I told her everything the shaman said and asked if any of it resonated.

She said she didn't know what I was talking about.

I pushed. Asked if she regretted it.

She said her new marriage was going well, that she was happy. That she felt sorry for the baby but she wasn't holding onto strong regret about it.

I felt so pathetic sitting across from her that I just left.

So that meant it might be the 17-year-old ex. The one from six years ago. Problem is I had no way to contact her, number long gone. I started calling old acquaintances I hadn't talked to in years, anyone who might know her.

One girl said "oh, you mean [A]'s friend? Just ask A."

I asked her to check for me. She went quiet for a second and then said "...but that girl..."

I asked what.

"Didn't she... pass away?"

"WHAT."

"Wait but I thought you knew..."

"HOLD ON. What are you talking about."

She kept hesitating. And then she told me.

When we were 17, after the abortion, I broke up with her before she was even discharged from the hospital. I wasn't that into her in the first place, she'd been through hell with the pregnancy, and there was another girl I liked at the time. I know. I know how that sounds. Even I think I was a piece of shit looking back.

After that I just. Never heard anything about her.

She died. One month after the abortion. Complications.

I couldn't process it. I still can't.

I got the contact info for her family. I was going to go see them. And that's where the story stops because I'm still in the middle of it.