I have leukemia and I just want to go on one trip with my family

I have leukemia. Been living in the hospital since I was little, barely ever went home.

You wanna know what changed in me after all this time?

When I first overheard that I might die, I was SO angry. Why me. Why am I stuck in this hospital. Why can't I make friends. Everyone else gets better and gets to go home, so why can't I. I hated it. I was so sad and so frustrated and I was SO done with that place.

But then... after all that time with no school, no home, just the hospital. my thinking changed.

Death doesn't scare me anymore. I won't lie, there are definitely moments where I think, if treatment is gonna be this brutal, maybe I'd rather just go. That's the truth.

What scares me now isn't death. It's my family. The ones who'd be left behind.

My mom and dad, working so hard to pay for my hospital bills and STILL showing up every single day. My older sister and brother who barely got any real attention from our parents because of me. My poor siblings. I can already picture exactly how destroyed they'd be if I died. I can see it so clearly and it wrecks me.

And the last thing. the thing that feels the most horrible. is that I've gotten numb to my own death. I'm basically just waiting for the day now.

But honestly? I want just a little more time. just a little. I want to go on a trip with my family. Not near the hospital, not near home. Actual overseas travel. I want to see somewhere new.

I want to go to school. My sister says she hates school but I would give anything to go. Make friends, go to a karaoke place or a PC bang (basically a gaming cafe) with them like my siblings do. I want to stay up way too late rushing through homework I forgot about and then just pass out.

I want real friends. Not cats, not dogs, not Netflix to kill time. I want to actually laugh with people. family and friends, just hanging out and laughing.

I want to spend Christmas and my birthday outside. Not in the hospital with the nurses, as much as I love them.

I want a boyfriend.

But right now because of COVID I can't even travel, and my family can barely come visit.

Screw this virus.

I just want to still be alive when COVID ends. that's all.