I have leukemia and I just want to go to school and make friends

I'm a leukemia patient. grew up in the hospital basically, barely ever went home.

so like. you wanna know what changed for me recently?

when I first heard someone mention offhand that I might die, I was so confused and upset. why is this happening to me, why do I have to stay in the hospital, why can't I make friends, why are other people getting treated and discharged and I'm just. not. I was so sad and frustrated and I hated the hospital SO much.

but I've been here so long that something shifted. I don't like death anymore, but I also don't fear it the way I used to. if I'm being honest, the thought does cross my mind sometimes. going through THIS much just to keep living.

but what actually scares me now? the people I'd leave behind. my family who works so hard to pay my hospital bills. my mom and dad who come to the hospital EVERY SINGLE DAY. my older sister and brother who probably don't get enough attention because of me.

thinking about how sad they'd be. how much it would hurt them. I can picture it so clearly and it's. it's too much.

the last thing is kind of scary to admit but. I've gotten weirdly calm about the idea of dying. like I'm just waiting for a day. but actually I want to live a little longer? just a bit. I want to travel abroad with my family, see places near the hospital I've been staring at forever, go to school, hang out with friends like my sister does, go to karaoke and PC cafes, pull all-nighters on homework and then crash, have a REAL friend (not just hospital staff), watch netflix and actually laugh, spend christmas and birthdays outside instead of with nurses, have a boyfriend.

corona means no travel, no visiting people in the hospital, everything's just. stopped.

I just want to survive until corona ends. that's it. just until then.