my friend died and I still can't believe it even now

So a friend I'd known for 10 years died, and when I heard the news over the phone, I genuinely could not process it for the entire two days leading up to the funeral. Like. Why would she die? She was healthy. Maybe she's just hospitalized, right? I kept saying that on loop for two days straight. Zoning out, then crying, then back to zoning out.

At the funeral her parents let us say our final goodbyes and actually see her. The moment I saw her lying in the casket my blood ran cold. My heart just. dropped. I couldn't really look at her face because I was crying too hard. But I saw her lips. They were cracked and dried out. I still remember that like it happened yesterday.

We saw each other at least once a week back in middle school, and even in college we'd still meet up once or twice a year. We were in contact up until a few months before she died, and then we both just got busy and the conversations stopped. I thought no news was good news. I was living like that. And I regret SO MUCH that I didn't reach out even once during that time.

We fought all the time btw LMAO. We just thought differently about everything, and we were both super direct talkers so it was constantly clashing. I used to tell her every time, "you've taken so much shit from me, you're definitely gonna outlive everyone here." She was the one who went first.

I visited her grave a few months ago. And honestly? I still feel like she's alive. Her instagram is still up. Her kakaotalk, her facebook, all still there, exactly the same. Her birthday is coming up soon, and the fact that I can't even send her a simple "happy birthday" message anymore... that wrecks me. I think the scariest thing about death is exactly that. The person is just. gone. You can't see them anymore.