really looked at my parents' faces today and now i'm crying

So I actually looked at my parents' faces today like REALLY looked and I saw it. White hair. Wrinkles. Rough skin, puffy face, and they somehow look... smaller? Shorter? And I just. Why am I even alive at this point, what have I even done for them.

And thinking about it more I realized I barely talk to them. Only at meals. The rest of the time I'm in my room on my phone, and the worst part is they don't even bother me about it, they just. Let me. Because I'm their kid and they trust me and that's somehow so much sadder.

I've snapped at them before. Said things I shouldn't have. And when I did, my mom and dad looked at MY face first. Said sorry. Said it wasn't my fault. Extended their hand.

That moment I genuinely wanted to disappear.

I'm in my teens and twenties, they're in their 40s and 50s, and I've been so busy studying and job hunting that I keep putting off spending time with them. And now I'm starting to realize the window for just... going to them... is slowly getting smaller.

I'm so sorry. I feel so lost. I'm crying.