looked at my parents' faces today and genuinely wanted to disappear

So every once in a while I'll actually look at my parents. Like really look at them. And it hits me all at once. The white hairs. The wrinkles. Their skin looking rough and dull. And I swear they look shorter than they used to be.

And I just. why am I like this. what have I even done for them.

Because when I think about it, the only time I actually talk to them is at meals. Every other second I'm in my room on my phone. That's it. That's the relationship I've been giving them.

But the part that really breaks me? They won't even bother me about it. They just. watch me from behind. Trust me anyway because I'm their kid.

The worst moment though. the WORST. was when I'd snap at them and say awful things when I was mad, and instead of getting mad back, my parents would look at my face to see how I was feeling and then APOLOGIZE TO ME FIRST. telling me I didn't do anything wrong. reaching their hands out to me.

That was the moment I genuinely wanted to die. not dramatically, just. I couldn't stand being that person.

I'm in my teens and twenties. still so much ahead of me. They're in their 40s and 50s. And I kept thinking, once I'm done studying, once I get a job, THEN I'll spend time with them. but when I actually snapped out of it I realized. the chances to just go somewhere with my parents, to just hang out with them, those are already slowly disappearing.

I'm so sorry. I feel so lost. I'm crying.