told my 20-year friend I was struggling. she ghosted me.

okay I wasn't going to post this but I need to get it out.

I had a friend for 20 years. twenty. years. we met in high school, went through our teens and twenties and early thirties together and I genuinely thought we'd be old ladies cackling together someday. and then. it just. ended.

some background: she always had low self-esteem, kind of withdrawn. she failed her college entrance exams (재수 too, so she tried twice), dropped out of community college, got a job right away. had to support her whole family in her early 20s, like her whole family on her single paycheck. meanwhile I went to uni in Seoul, got my master's, currently working as a manager at a mid-size company AND doing my PhD. our circumstances were different, sure. but my family wasn't rich either. I paid my own way through school on scholarships and part-time jobs. worked my ass off for every single thing I have.

for twenty years I was HER person. boyfriends who wrecked her in high school? I was there. she'd call me crying at 2am and I'd literally go to her. in our 20s she'd compare herself to me, say her life was ruined, that she picked the wrong path. I spent so much energy being careful not to hurt her pride, helping her research new career options, cheering her on. and every time she'd say "I'm the type of person who has to finish what I start" and then... just. not start anything. eventually she stopped even considering other paths and just stayed in a job she said she HATED, crying to me about it almost every day. her boss was awful, her coworkers, everything. every single day on kakao.

when I'd suggest things like hey, remember that part-time job you loved in [field], why not try going back to that? she'd say it's too late. too scary. too much. and then basically: just listen to me, don't give advice.

okay fine. I tried to just listen. but after years of this I was genuinely exhausted. so recently I told her: you want things to change but you're not trying to change anything. and she SOBBED like I'd stabbed her. said "how could you say that to me."

and I lost it a little. I told her: I've been listening to you for twenty years. I've taken your side even when you were wrong. and I'm tired too. she got up and walked out.

a few days later she texted saying she'd been too sensitive, she was just really tired that day. I let it go.

but here's the thing I never told her. I'm not okay either. I've been in treatment for over 5 years. there were times I genuinely wanted to end my life. times I actually tried and failed. I never told her any of it because every time I started to show any pain she'd say "but you're doing better than me, your life is better than mine, your situation is better than mine" and I'd just. close my mouth. so I became someone who had to constantly take care of her while swallowing everything alone.

the one time I mentioned casually that I was in treatment, she immediately asked if the doctor could write her a note to give to her company to prove she was stressed.

I'm not even kidding. she said that.

so recently I was really struggling. like really bad. I asked if we could meet. she had plans this week, a thing next week, needed rest the week after, maybe... two months from now? I just said okay.

and then I made a bad choice. the kind I've made before when things get really dark. and somehow we ended up meeting anyway. she saw the marks on my arms. her face went stiff. she said "what is THAT. what did you do." and looked at me like I was disgusting.

and then she left.

no call since. I'm not waiting for one.

I just. I didn't need her to cry with me. I just wanted her to say "I didn't know you were hurting this much." I wanted her to say "you've been there for me, I'll be here for you." that's it. just that.

I've been thinking back and I genuinely cannot remember a single time she comforted me. not once. and I've had major surgery under general anesthesia multiple times, a chronic condition since I was a kid, 5+ years of mental health treatment, and she never once asked how I was holding up.

twenty years just. gone. and I mostly feel empty about it.